Dear friends and fans,

I've been absent for two years.

Much has happened, and not all of it ...comfortable.

(I was going to say "good." Not all of it was good. But I'm trying to find the good in everything these days.)

This will take a couple of minutes to read, but I hope you will. It would mean a lot to me.

On the cusp of publishing my last book (March 2023), I quit my job at the bookstore to write full time and edit manuscripts for clients. The change in jobs, the hard push of publication deadlines, insomnia, three out four editing jobs I'd lined up for the beginning of the year cancelled, and unchecked peri-menopausal symptoms created a violent anxiety storm that resulted in a few months of panic attacks.

While the tools I use for smoothing out my regular everyday anxiety began working much better, the shadow of "What if I have another panic attack?" lasted pretty much the rest of 2023.

I picked up some work at the bookstore again to help with the finances (which was humbling) and I started speaking at writing conferences, working on editing jobs when they appeared.

In January 2024, we found out my husband's mother had dementia and late-stage cancer. We planned an emergency trip to Turkey to say goodbye. She died while we were there. We ended up spending a whole month there, stumbling through uncertainty, sorrow, death, anger (her caretaker had been embezzling money from her for years), despair, and powerlessness.

The night we arrived back home in Oregon, our dog died.

A month later, a family friend of fifteen years (my best friend and soul sister) went through a crisis and our relationship subsequently exploded out of nowhere via a 48-hour flurry of misunderstood texts that we never recovered from. A year later, I still have no idea what happened, but we've not spoken since. She's blocked me everywhere and I can't reach her.

After three catastrophic losses within three months, I was a husk.

I dove into healing work around money mindset, manifestation, and creativity, and the recovery work required for grief and burnout.

At the end of 2024, I upped my hours at the bookstore to full-time because a colleague quit and they needed me to cover for several months while they hired and trained someone else.

I'm a Generator in Human Design and that means if I'm not working on something I'm passionate about, my motor burns out (and I was already burnt out). While I love the indie bookstore I work at, and the crew is small and close--a bit of a hodgepodge family--retail work is not my calling.

And I'm an introvert.

Full-time retail is really hard on me, actually. And that full-time ended at the end of April 2025. Just a couple months ago.

I, mercifully, am back to part-time and can devote more hours to what I love: coaching authors, teaching, and story analysis.

And while we wade through more family drama back in Turkey, the U.S. elections and the horrific fall-out from that (rights being stripped every which way), a dark depression that enveloped my husband for a couple of months (and on his baby-soft "arrival" back from the dark place, he witnessed a horrible act of violence that massively affected him and still does), I still wake with hope and resilience most days.

It's been a bit of a slog these last two years, I must say.

And, my friend, I did not write through any of it. I just couldn't.

I had a lot of shame and a wee bit of an identity crisis about being a writer who didn't write and one that encouraged and inspired others to write at the same time.

I've not felt worthy of your inbox for some time now. I didn't feel I had anything to add, empty of inspiration myself.

But while I still feel fragile, I'm also feeling creative and whole again. And I want to show up more.

I'm committed to working with authors in meaningful ways. I've been working with a business coach and mentor that's helping me find that meaning in my work, to see the strength in myself, and reminding me to just get out there and share. Show up and share.

I feel renewed. A phoenix rising. Ready now more than ever to make a difference in writers' lives.

My closing thought arrived in my journal this morning. It was a relief to see it there and I breathed freely and smiled as I finished the sentence. Maybe you need it too.

There is no need for hurry and worry. Growth happens every day. And I can be proud of that.

You'll be seeing me more frequently here, exploring author life and talking about creativity, craft, and story structure. And I've got some great programs and workshops coming up.

You can see me, my gratitude practice, pictures of my rescue dogs, and other things that bring me joy and peace on Instagram @valerieihsan.​

Thank you for reading this update from the trenches all the way to the end.

I appreciate you.

Bye for now.

~Valerie

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